Where I've Been

So I decided to start this blog to be a place where I can express my feelings and thoughts about my journey towards motherhood. I can easily say that this has been the hardest and most emotional experience of my life. Sometimes I feel that no one really understands everything I've gone through, not even Jeff, although he tries.

Don't get me wrong, Jeff has been unbelievable through this whole thing. He has been stuck by my side and encouraged me the whole way. I know things aren't easy for him either, but he definitely expresses his feelings in a different way than me. I am so thankful that God brought him into my life.

This experience has taught me a lot, and has shown me that with the help of God, I can get through this.

So here's my story:

Jeff and I had been trying to conceive for about 8-9 months. After stopping my birth control pills, I didn't have a normal period for that entire time. I went to see my current doctor (who I really love) and they started me on metformin. They diagnosed me with pcos (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). Basically, my ovaries have cysts that prevent me from ovulating. Of course, this was scary news to hear, but they encouraged me that many people with pcos go on to have children. The metformin was supposed to regulate my hormone levels to help me ovulate. I started 500 mg per day, then worked up to 1,000 mg. Metformin is not a fun medicine to be on, but I will do whatever it takes. After being on 1,000mg for a month, I still had no period. My doctor decided to raise my dosage to 1500mg per day and to come back in a month if I still had no period.

Well, a month passed and still no period. On the day that I was supposed to call the Dr, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to make sure. Well, it was positive. I couldn't believe it. It was one of the most exciting things in my life. Jeff didn't even believe me and made me take 4 more tests before he believed it. We felt so lucky that we finally were pregnant after waiting and trying for so long.

I called the doctor and made an appointment to come in. They tested my hcg level and progesterone level. At first, the hcg was good, it doubled normally. They were concerned, however, that my progesterone was too low, I think it was around 7 when it should be higher than 10. They put me on prometrium, a progesterone suppository, to try to raise it. Because my progesterone level was so low, they wanted to monitor me and the baby more closely, so they wanted to test my hcg again in a week or two. When I went back for another blood draw, the results were not great. My hcg numbers did not double, although they did go up. I was so scared and worried and my doctor scheduled an ultrasound check for viability. I think those are the most frightening words to say to a new mother, but I continued to pray that things would be okay.

We had to wait about another week and a half for the first ultrasound. I was so nervous, to say the least. When we got to the Dr. office, they said that their u/s machine had just stopped working, on the patient before me. I thought "You've got to be kidding. Here I am, waiting to see if I have a viable baby and now it doesn't work!" They scheduled me to be seen at a local hospital later that afternoon for our u/s. I had to call in to work and tell them that I would not be returning at noon as I expected.

That afternoon, we arrived at the hospital and I was early informed that I had to drink a crazy amount of water for the u/s. My bladder was so past full, I really thought I was going to lose it in the waiting room. We were called back and they started the u/s. I saw the most amazing thing that I will probably ever see in my life, my baby's little heart beating. We were so filled with joy and amazement that at only 7 weeks, we could see and hear our little angel's heart. They told us that everything looked great, but they still wanted us to have another u/s in 2 weeks.

Two weeks passed, another good u/s. No one seemed to be worried, except for me. At this u/s I was 10 weeks 1 day, however, the baby was measuring at 9 weeks 1 day. I knew that wasn't good, but the Dr. said it could have just been a measuring mistake at the first u/s.

We left that day with high hopes, we never were expecting that only 4 short days later we would find out that we had lost our baby. It was a Friday night, and we were over at our friend's house playing games. When I went to the bathroom, I discovered that I had started bleeding.

We called our dr, who advised us to go to the ER. So many thoughts were running through my mind, I just couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. I was really in shock throughout the entire ER visit and just overwhelmed with grief.

I went back in two days later to have a D&C to remove any of the remaining tissue since I was in an extreme amount of pain all night.

Looking back on this expereience (it's almost been a year later) it's easier for me to see how God supplied a support system and encouragement from our friends and family that really helped us through. It's still hard. I still miss my baby. I still want to be pregnant more than anything. I'm still trusting that God will fufill the desires of my heart some day.